In Kneed of Time

I’ve been suffering from this chronic knee problem now for three weeks. Three weeks ago today, I couldn’t finish my 3 mile run because the pain was so severe. I haven’t run since.

            For some people, being injured is like a bad dream. We think we’re invincible, and that this obstacle is some sort of fluke. When we don’t wake up, however, we get confused, and that confusion leads to frustration and anger. Funny thing about frustration…it seems to impede logical thought.

            Every worst outcome that could possibly occur (including being chased by a wild bear that catches and eats me because I can’t run away) has filled my mind since I stopped running. What if I lose my ROTC scholarship over this? What if I’ll never run again? I’m a wreck most of the time, falling victim to this melodrama that has sucked the luster from my life.

           

            This is why it’s always a profitable thing to have friends who aren’t retarded or emotionally unstable.

            They are sympathetic, but they all know, or assume they know, that this is a phase from which I will recover. Aaron has been throwing remedial advice at me, from icing to elevation to knee braces to literally throwing Advil at me, and I take it to heart. Hannah doesn’t have much to add besides her personal conviction that cookies solve all existing problems. Allyssa tells me to stop whining and toughen up; they aren’t going to drop my scholarship, I’ll recover, and we’ll all forget this happened.

            Logically, I suppose they’re right. Injuries heal, important people give other people time to recover, and three weeks isn’t a lifetime. The only problem is that pathos can be so much more powerful than logos…especially in my own head. 

P.S. This isn't a great post about rhetoric. I just wanted to whine about my knee...pathos and logos just happened to hop on the bandwagon. Speaking of P.S., Hannah asked me what P.S. meant other day. I thought that was pretty cute.

Dorito Dog

Disclaimer: I am aware of the unavoidable redundancy of this piece considering the popularity of the topic. I simply do not take enough pride in my creative, original ingenuity to be above utilizing said topic for my own benefit. That being stated, I continue.

Hopefully most self respecting Americans remember last year, the same time and situation; Sunday night Super bowl. Let me take you back there…

Friends and neighbors are crammed into a badly decorated sitting room that smells like pizza and popcorn. We revolve around the 72" TV, the most important component of our night. Chip fragments are scattered across the floor; empty soda cans, tipped and untipped, litter all surfaces. We are messy and loud enough to break ear drums, but the atmosphere of the party isn’t suffocating or overbearing, even though everyone is trying to talk over each other to be heard. Suddenly, we are all fixated to the screen.

Suitor hands flowers to the pretty lady. Pretty lady smiles flirtatiously and allows him to enter the house. Pretty lady motions to the couch and orders little boy Jaylen to “play nice.” Suitor greets Jaylen (Hey, little man!), sits on the couch and reaches for the orange chip from the clear bowl on the coffee table…

*SLAP*

Jaylen: "Keep your hands off my mamma, keep your hands off my Doritos."

An instant classic! The sassy clip became a YouTube sensation. People chortled over that slap for weeks to come. If you hadn’t seen the video during the game, you had seen it by the next day. It was by far the most popular commercial of the night.

So Last Sunday I watched a fat little pug race towards a sliding glass door towards the man flaunting that little red triangle of a chip with not a small amount of expectation. As the 10 pound dog bulldozed the door and the man into the ground, I chuckled with the rest of the room, but wondered also if this commercial met the expectations of the viewers. I also marveled at the spring board Doritos had erected for itself last year in developing this reputation for hilarious commercials. In fact, every Doritos commercial that hit the screen this year had us clutching our sides, riddled with laughter.

Doritos. You have status. We will always be perched on the edges of our seats awaiting the hilarity that must ensue from your TV ads. God forbid you fail to meet the standards, because if you don’t, the quality of your product will logically decrease over the following months. All your worth lies in this comical medium. 

T(a) = Q + A

 The white scrawl of the chalk as it flew across the board crystallized the TA’s presumably accurate representation of the 4 step function with unapproachable authority. “F prime x is equal to f(x+h) – f(x)/h…”

Our heads cocked like boxer dogs, section 007 of MATH110 gawked at the length of the equation he dismantled. I’m no mathematician, but my limited mind still toyed with the idea that there had to be an easier way to compute the prime of F(x). In fact, didn’t Mr. Hager show us an example of that exact calculation? “D/dx is equal to N(x) to the N-1 power when F(x) equal x to some N power…” Yes! Of course.

My hand shot into the air, a question and an answer on my lips.

I’m juggling the concept of an exigence, defined as the call to change, or a problem that can be resolved or changed by discourse. The situation in which I detect some flaw in the presentation of my Math recitation leader, I think, is an exigence. I felt the need to correct him with my words and my own presentation of an argument; that our lecture professor had presented us with the correct way to solve this problem. Now perhaps the recitation leader had a reason for showing us the four step concept instead of the shorter method, but I gave into the urge to use my words to begin a discussion, from whereon he could have let me know the reason for his actions. Otherwise, I would have done him a favor by improving the quality of that day’s work. Either way, a change would have occurred; I would leave enlightened, or the class and the TA would. An exigence existed, I responded with rhetoric, and both parties contributed to the solution.

In the end, by the way, I was right…

I Believe in Clean Teeth

Spoonful of Sugar

Saturday night, Allyssa started coughing. Each time we heard it, she sounded worse, as if her chest were trying to explode through her airway. She had a fever and she shivered consistently. Her roommate Hannah and I made an executive decision; Allyssa needed to see a doctor.

             

She protested, claiming she could take care of herself. She was fine; one more Diet Pepsi would do the trick. We didn’t buy that. I tried first to convince her to come with me. Obviously not swayed by my words, she clutched her Advil bottle and continued to object. I turned to Hannah and said, “You talk to her.”

            

 In a matter of minutes, Hannah had Allyssa dressed and stumbling towards the elevator. We got her to UHS, University Health Services on campus at PSU, and the cute little doctor with curly hair diagnosed her with the flu.

            

 What did Hannah say that motivated Allyssa to roll out of bed and seek help? I can’t imagine her words were so drastically different from mine, yet they yielded a drastically different result.

I’m wondering why we connect to certain people and allow their words to influence us, whereas we tune others out and ignore their message. In this case, the message was the same (SEE DOCTOR) but I’m guessing the delivery was the mitigating factor. I think Hannah used her dry, teasing wit to stimulate a positive reaction from Allyssa, and subsequently she was more receptive to the proposal. I, on the other hand, didn’t even think about trying to make light of the situation. I flat out stated, “Come on, you’re sick, we need to get you to a doctor.” I’m sure Hannah said something like, “Hey. So you’re just going to die on me? It’s cool, I get your xbox.” I think it’s fascinating how manipulating someone’s reaction to your words helps you to change their mind about how they want to act on your message.

2 Stars

“Hey Adam…”

Natalie Portman’s voice cascades into my ear drums, battering my auditory senses without mercy. As much as I love Pandora, the online personalized radio website, I am resentful that it lets commercials attack me in between a track from the Braveheart soundtrack and the Star Wars theme (courtesy of James Horner and John Williams).

They don’t even play a variety of commercials! It’s the same one every time; No Strings Attached starring Ashton Kutcher and yes, Natalie Portman, release date January 21^st, 2011. I suppose my misery will end once the 21^st pulls up, but I think after hearing the same annoying clip more times than I can count, I have a right to be irritated.

Why these ads? Why pay a free online radio website to broadcast 30 seconds over and over to promote a product? I suppose, theoretically, doing so will convince me and most others that we want to spend $10.50 to go see Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman fool around. This is the company’s argument; that two visually appealing people who have a moderate amount of talent can make a movie that deserves my attention and therefore my money.

 If you’ve seen the preview, you’ll notice that Ashton and Natalie both look delicious, as movie stars should. However, the dialogue sounds a bit cheesy and forced. The plot isn’t anything new; it’s a love story. Obviously no one put a exorbitant amount of effort in attempting to attract movie goers who prefer an intricate plot with intelligent dialogue. Even if the movie doesn’t have those qualities, I’m sure they could find a way to fool us into thinking it. My conclusion is that the movie relies on the promise of a visually stimulating experience without provoking too much thought. They also probably expect to make a profit, which means they expect a large number of people to see this film. I don’t know if that’s disgusting or really sad.

My theory as to their promotional effects on the public is this: that because they have repeatedly mashed this movie into my brain a thousand times, I feel obligated to see it. If I don’t, I will always wonder if that movie was any good, if No Strings Attached starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman was worth all the trouble of me having to hear about it 40 times a day. That’s where I’ll be Friday night, if this influenza hasn’t killed me.